Assignment #1 : the base and summit
“I am the kind of person who knows where I stand. I’ve taken an honest look at myself, inside and out. I’m not in denial about how I look on the outside, nor how I feel on the inside. I’m aware of my strengths as well as my need for improvement. I also have a vision – I know where I’m going. I utilize words and imagination to paint a picture of a future version of myself as physically healthy and energetic, emotionally healed and strong, mentally clear and focused, spiritually aware and connected. I remind myself where I started, and where I’m going, each day.”
So where do i begin? I weigh 96kg. After losing 10kg last year, and by mid november weighing only 86, i lost control over holiday, and my birthday, and last 3 weeks of work stress, and more holiday and christmas, and bla bla bla, and promptly picked it all up again. So here i am. 96kg. Fuck. I will post a before photo. And bé warned, i’m going to slouch to look even more terrible just so that my after photo in 18 weeks’ time can look better. I don’t want people to wonder which photo is before and which one after!
Maybe i must explain all of this, i’m reading the book Transformation by Bill Phillips, of Body for Life fame, and he believes you can transform yourself in 18 weeks by doing an assignment each week, and growing mentally and shrinking physically by eating right and exercising. He also believes you lose more weight by having a support group, thus i’ve decided to blog my journey, make you all my group, and hopefully you’ll all make time to comment, thereby being my support group. Deal? Even if it’s just a smiley face, or a frown, just a reaction!
Anyhoooo, i must know, and bé honest about my start, my base. And i’m fat. Yes, i can probably bé fatter, but i’m at the fattest i’ve ever been, and i sometimes disgust myself. I get jealous when i see my skinny friends, and i refuse to swim in public. I will swim in front of *some* of my friends, but have to give myself a huge peptalk before, and try and ignore imaginary looks of disgust. (I imagine everyone must bé as disgusted by the sight of me as i am). At least i have pretty hair and a nice smile, ne?
Furthermore, i must work on the balance between work, kids, me-time, procrastination, stress, diet, exercise. Sometimes i work too hard, and other times not hard enough. It’s difficult when you work for yourself, and you’re your own boss, to bé strict enough about normal working hours. Inbetween taking kid to school, working,fetching kid, working, keeping kid busy in the afternoon,working, feeding kids, bathing kids, seeing clients, working some more, seeing more clients, taking kids to bed, working some more, sleep, restart the whole process the next day, you get the picture. This year i’m going to do my utmost to get this right. To not wait until the last moment to make something, but to start early with all my orders, and bé organised, and still have enough time to spend quality time with my family. But also make time for exercise. And enough sleep.
It is fucking difficult for me to stay on a diet. As soon as I’m not allowed something, it’s all I want. Hell, even when I am allowed, all I want is junkfood, chocolates, bread, pasta, pizza. And to change that mindset sometimes seem impossible. And the self-loathing after cheating should be enough to put me off cheating forever, but somehow I always end up cheating again. And again. So that’s another thing I need to change, I need to start believing I can do this, I can actually lose 34kg. To start with just 16 would be lovely, because then I can fit into all my clothes again. And that’s almost where I was before kids. The other 18 , that I picked up before kids, can come after that.( I now know why I had a fat mom, and I wish she was still here for me to be able to tell her I get it. For the first time I get it. I look like this after 2 kids, imagine having 4!) And then I can make myself a whole new wardrobe. Fuck. I don’t know why I struggle so so so much to stay on a stupid healthy eating plan. I used to be a super healthy eater, and then I met Andre, the king of junkfood. I could never even finish a burger, now I have burger, chips and a milkshake. And I love all the compliments when I lose weight, so why doesn’t that inspire me this time around? My moods jump up and down, my depression gets out of control, and I feel so fucking helpless. And the irony is there is help out there – me! Only I can help myself, so why do I stumble and fall? I need to get up, and be strong. And make the decision. To live healthy, work hard, be a wonderful mom, and a content patient happy person.
I can do this. I know I can. It is going to take everything I think I have in me, but the truth is, under all this fat there is a super skinny bubbly girl waiting to burst out. I just need to let her out. And do her thing.
My base and my summit. I hope you get it inbetween all my ramblings.
*before photo to follow in next post :/
Ps – yesterday my senior seamstress kind of resigned (meaning I don’t have a clue what’s going on, we had a fight about a HUGE mistake she made, she left, and didn’t come back today, and when I phoned today she said she can’t work), so the normal working hours will have to wait just a little bit, my deadlines have to be met, so until she comes back or I employ someone else, my work will take over my life bit.
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