2010 is all done and dusted, so many things happened, and so much to be grateful for. I, for one, am very glad it’s all over. It is a year I never want to repeat. I’m so happy it’s 2011 at last, and I can feel this is going to be one of the best years ever!
2010 all summarized:
January – Xander’s third birthday party ( whooping success, the last guest only left the next morning), I’m 14 – 18 weeks pregnant and we find out we’re expecting another boy.
February – we can’t decide on a name, but we’re planning to build on a study so that we have a bedroom for baba.
March – land up in hospital with bleeding, at 22 weeks pregnant, caused by too much coughing from bronchitis. Have a very busy month at work, finish everything just in time.
April – holiday time! My sister and I, and our two boys go on holiday together, taking the Premier Class train there and back, what an experience for the boys! Staying at St Michaels Sands, have the most amazing time. I love the ocean so much, it feels like I need it to feed my soul.
May – start to tweet at last after a bit of nagging from my brother, have lots of work, and then late one saturday my water break, at 33 weeks! The next wednesday morning little baba-V is born by c-section after going through almost the whole natural birth thing.
June – my babyshower, visiting baba in ICU for three weeks, all my life consists of is expressing milk every 3 hours, taking it to my precious buncle in ICU, and working inbetween, all the while while struggling with depression and PND, and my BIL passes away from a heart attack on the golf course. What a month.
July – why did I ever have another baba! All mommies know that feeling, from too little sleep, so very tired, emotional rollercoaster time.
August – still getting almost no sleep, all a bit of a blur, except we start the building process – blegh. Dust everywhere.
September – struggling with matric farewell season in half my usual space, building finishes (yay), starting to get some more sleep . Also meet my new twitter friends for the first time! How exciting!
October – baba is 5 months old, and……. I can’t think of anything else, haha.
november – busy month at work, same old, same old.
December – I turn 32, have the most amazing birthday with all of my best friends , works my ass off to finish everything before the business closes on the 23rd, have a BIG christmas celebration at my house (last time, never again). Misses my habitat-engineer soooooooooo much. Ends the year with a lovely dinner with two amazing friends.
The main thing though about 2010 is that it is all a bit hazy, I get like that when I’m depressed, it feels like I’m living in a haze. Like I’m living in a place in my head where the sun never shines. I know when the depression probably started – right after my second miscarriage, and I know why it intensified this year – the absolute terrifying fear that I was going to lose another baby. At first, after Vian’s birth, I felt almost no connection to him, relief, yes, but no connection. But the connection came with time, and gradually the haze started lifting. As I’m writing this my heart wants to burst with all the love I have for this little boy, and for the first time in almost 2 years it feels like I have an open and clear mind. I feel like I’m getting better. Slowly, but surely. Maybe it won’t last, you never know with the ugly depression monster, but for the moment I’m happy, and content. Thank you Happy Pills. I was always against medication for depression, after seeing how the doctors never could get the right mix with my bio-polar mother, but now I’ve completely changed my mind about that.
Although I’ve struggled with depression throughout my life, I have never before now had to take medication for it. This time around there was just no getting better without it. I make sure I drink my happy pills every morning. Bacause if I do skip a day, it takes me almost a week to feel normal again, and that is no fun, not for me, and especially not for my husband and kids.
And that is all I have to say on that for now.
Yay for a new year, new beginnings, feeling better, losing weight, and being happy.